Chapter 1
Growing Pains Are Such a Pain!
The summer ended fine in most general terms. It was time to step into the universe of 8th grade whose end would also mean the end of middle school. One highlight of that school year was a new concept regarding the opportunity of working for four days in a company in order to be introduced to the work field. Four days as part of the mass work force can be spent meaningfully or it can be a waste of time. I started out by taking the project seriously which was maybe no big mistake on and of its own. Knowing myself taking the project seriously was my automatic or natural reaction.
Please note that I was fully aware that the school system’s four day project and my or better said our program for her introduction to the business world were two different situations. Work is work, business is business and there can be an overlap, but not necessarily so. I was aiming for something specific when I made my offer to Raffaella-Bianca. I wanted to convey to her the unlimited satisfaction of a meaningful and beloved activity that contributes to one’s own life and the lives of the people working with in positive and unique ways. I used to say “If billions of people can do what I do then I’m not interested” and what I meant was that I brought to my work all I was, all I had, all I knew, all that defined me on all levels, defining my way as clearly mine, creating an interaction full of authenticity, ownership, creativity, holism. I would bring my personal imprint to whatever activity be it gardening, sewing, cooking, decorating, you name it. I wanted to show Raffaella-Bianca that finding one’s personal talents and interests can be put to work in a profound way leading to wonderfully positive feelings for everybody concerned.
I also wanted her to become aware of the freedom in choosing one’s own rhythm and the flexibility of having a self-designed schedule which automatically implied getting up in the morning at the desired time, all characteristics lacking in a nine to five job. It is hard for a student caught in the school schedule to imagine being free of it soon enough and go through the day, every day, according to one’s own will. She had experienced that freedom all her childhood before entering it, had enjoyed it and missed it once society’s rhythm defined her day, but school ends at some point in our lives and we have the chance of being free, active, productive, but free.
I already knew in high school that my work, my rhythm, my schedule would have nothing to do with what a human being usually calls “job”. I could have never been able to do all the things I did without the freedom, flexibility, spontaneity, fluidity of my work style. I was there for my family, for my child, for all my hobbies and interests and worked at the same time. I can share with you a little anecdote about my work although it is only indirectly about it. You will laugh just as I did when it happened to me. I chose my times for groceries shopping either in the morning or early afternoon depending on my sessions, but definitely not during the times normal working people went shopping too. Very pleasant, in every respect. I had my habits and continuity and regularity. I knew the employees working in all the places I used and they knew me too. Or so they thought. In one of the shops they didn’t have one of my favorites that day and the young woman told me to return then and then which was not convenient to me. She looked reproachfully at me when she saw that I started thinking how to best get what I wanted and in an angry tone remarked: “That should be no problem for a housewife like you!” Believe me, I took that as a compliment. I feel I had every reason to. I was doing something right.
During the same period just a while later I went there with Papi in preparation for a party and he helped me carry things. We had quite a long list of items and both of us ran around for the right things. The same young woman in her usual manner after asking her where exactly they had this and that said: “It’s right there next to the shelf where your husband is standing!” Wow! I was not only a housewife, but a maintained woman who could only afford my lifestyle, from groceries to wardrobe, due to my significantly older husband! I had no idea I could be so convincing in projecting a wrong impression about my persona! This shop clerk apparently had it all figured out without me in her equation.
“This is not my husband! This is my dad!”
She startled and jumped back in shock. She was embarrassed. I was amused. During the following weeks she paid attention to me in an unusual way especially when she heard me answering the phone. Life does not stop just because one is groceries shopping. She was probably intrigued about the languages. One day after a phone call she stepped up to me and asked: “Do you work?”
“Yes!”
“Where do you work?”
“I’m self-employed.”
“Did you study for your work?”
“Yes.”
“What did you study?”
“Psychology.”
“You are no housewife. I am so sorry!” Hearing her in this apologetic tone was not how I knew her.
“It’s ok!”
And for me it was more than ok!
After that the young woman smiled each time she saw me. I had seriously wondered if she even knew what that was. Good to see she did. Good for her and the world around her. I never got to know her better. I never asked her any questions and she never volunteered any background information about herself. In any case her work setting was very different from mine. No idea what led to these differences. Cause and effect aspects can be numerous. Best not to speculate without knowing the facts.
As to my ideas or plans for and with Raffaella-Bianca, beyond all the idealistic values I was lucky to experience in my own activity I was after much more as well. Energetically I could identify the intensification, the accelerated intensification on top of that, of certain frequencies in connection with work and the vibrations of future work activities in society. The main characteristics were entrepreneurial spirit, holism, innovation, co-creation and quality of excellence. This represents the new frequency and no one gives it to us. We have to manifest it ourselves every single day. In the course of time the activities others can or want to offer to us as employees are low-frequencies, boring, stupid, cheap, slavery-reinforcing. This is what the spiritual evolution of mankind brings along, but I suppose just a small percentage is aware of it or prepared for it. I wanted Raffaella-Bianca to dig deeper and discover herself. She had practically only a short number of years before embarking on some adventure. And I wanted her to have the chance to embark on a conscious adventure in the most positive meaning of the term.
The school’s project regarded work the old-fashioned way, energetically speaking in a comatose moribund way. That alone wouldn’t have stopped me from making the most of what the system had to offer. But this was not about me! It took me a bitty-bit to catch myself. But first I fell into the trap! Yes, how stupid of me!
The given of the project was that, at least in Vienna, all schools participated at the same time. Let’s skip the point of commenting on organizational talent, efficiency of the project, viability of the experience. Take out of the equation idealism and then you have it all. Just based on this information I recommended to Raffaella-Bianca to look into things early just to make sure she ended up where she wanted. And just in case some people will say that the project reflected real life conditions of competition I’d like to respond with: Sure, old-fashioned, moribund, comatose…But we already know this by now.
Month after month, Raffaella-Bianca did nothing, but liked to talk to me about the project.
“Mommy, what would you do?”
As if I didn’t know that my ideas were completely unfit for her, I opened my big mouth before my brain could take over!
“I would do something that tickles my curiosity and would like to know more about!”
“And what would that be?”
“I would look into a job in the federal president’s office!”
“Really?”
“Just for the fun of it independent if I ever worked there or not! But that one really makes me curious!”
“You are crazy!”
“Well…Maybe a bit!”
She was sure it was not only a bit.
“Sunshine, Mommy visited the White House as a Fulbrighter! Ever since then I’ve been curious about the Hofburg too! Is that so strange? Just for reasons of comparison…”
She was not sure.
“What are you curious about?”
“I don’t know!”
There were many “I don’t know!”s on my part as well, just like for all human beings, but when it came to knowing about myself, I knew! I was no stranger to myself! Self-clarity was normal for me, crazy or not.
My sense of responsibility prompted me to help her by mentioning ideas that maybe/Maybe/MAYBE could orient her.
“How about a model agency?”
Two friends of hers occasionally got modeling jobs which she would have also liked to get, but never made the very first step, let alone follow through. Had someone proclaimed her model of the year in her age category overnight, she would have happily accepted the honor, but getting active and manifesting her wish by her own effort was unthinkable to her. She had a wish and stayed passive and that never takes anyone anywhere! I thought this unfortunate little futile project could be turned into more than what it was. But no, bad idea on my part.
“What agencies?”
“There are a few, just a few, interesting agencies downtown! We could go there! I’d be happy to go with you!” The housewife in me really had nothing better to do! Seriously!
“I don’t know! What would I say?”
“What would you say?? That you would like to spend your four day project with them! What else?”
“But what would they make me do!”
“Nothing important, of course! You’re not going there to be the agency’s new director!”
“I don’t know! I don’t think I look like a model!”
“First of all, you do! Another first of all, you don’t show up for playing the model for four days! And yet another first of all, you want a neutral introduction to the field without being under any pressure! Being present is all you’re looking for to start with!”
“And what would they make me do?”
“Answer the phone, move papers from the left side to the right side of the desk, carry the models’ stuff, make coffee, bring coffee…”
“I don’t know!”
“…Clean the toilets!”
“Mommy!”
I failed. The modeling agency was not the right site. But which one was? Was there one? I reminded her of our various friends who had their companies and she could choose from different fields. But no, that idea did not work either. She clearly was not in the mood for the four day work project. I got into the habit to listen to her when she came to talk, but I became passive because I was convinced getting active would not bear any fruits whatsoever.
“Today in school the homeroom teacher asked us about our decisions. And you know what?”
“What?”
“Some students have chosen jobs they don’t want to do!”
“Who does something like this??”
“Well, I think…”
“Darling, it’s like going to the restaurant and choosing from the menu something you don’t want to eat! It’s insane!”
She was not sure! Were we walking down the path of decisions of the masochists or cynics or who knows who? No, no!
“I hope you will soon make up your mind about what you want to do!”
“I want it to be easy!”
“Easy? OK! But even “easy” has to be planned. Time is flying…”
Watching her go through the entire process scared me because it was full of resistance and indifference and anticipated meaninglessness. Assertiveness? Non-existent. Involvement? Non-existent. Identification? Non-existent. I stayed out of it because I had nothing against “easy”, but I knew my “easy” was different from hers and the two universes had no tangent whatsoever. I was left with the role of the passive observer. She acted only if the homeroom teacher demanded action. I realized in this context that she had learned to respond only to the invisible whip! That was a shock! Such a realization could only be bad news for me! That made me sadder than the immature process itself.
Raffaella-Bianca put lots of energies into seeing friends, going out with friends, going shopping with friends. For fun/Fun/FUN she always had time and energy. It is true that she was always happy and invigorated when she returned home. Probably that was her way to recharge her inner batteries. I liked that, but worried about her relationship with school which was so…minimal. She didn’t complain in any obvious way, but I had to ask myself if she had reached a certain degree of inner resignation. Important issue, in my opinion. She did what she had to do for school, but to ask her to do it with joy or self-fulfillment would have been too much to ask! All that time spent in school experiencing such a state! Did I have an adequate description for it? Was it a necessary evil? Was it a one-way route? Was it an inescapable trap? What was it really?
The other thing was that she was still the same intelligent and sensitive girl as always, at least at heart. All on her own she came to the conclusion that school was the way it was. She was realistic. And I had to kick myself to get more realistic too instead of always bringing in my idealistic side to a context that did not support or accept anything idealistic about anything! Her mechanic style of “just do”, but “don’t feel” and “don’t think” was her defense mechanism. She was not unhappy, but she was not happy either. She was not unmotivated, but she was not motivated either. She was not passive, but she was not active either. I felt she was caught between the polarities being “not this” and “not that”! Undefinedness was probably the main characteristic.
Putting one and one together I decided it was best to support her in her wish regarding the four day work project, no matter what, no matter why, no matter how! If she felt it was best not to take it seriously, then so be it! In a strange way, in the final analysis I was not taking it seriously either, just that my reasons were different. As a student in her place I would have done my best like when playing a game fully aware that in real life nothing depended on it for me. I would have looked at it as yet another little game society likes as to join in. So why not? This attitude didn’t work for her. Then it was time to turn to “easy” as her solution.
She left everything until the very last second, really, second! Some people get a kick out of this technique and she is among those who get a huge one! It was very hard to find a site at the last second, but I suppose if “anything goes” then something shows up. It did. It was the neighborhood pharmacy where we used to buy our homeopathics from. People knew her and she knew them. And they still had an opening. She had gone through so many rejections by the time she got to the last second that she couldn’t have thought it possible! I can imagine that some companies could accept more than one student at a time. Lucky her! The thing she liked best was that it was five minutes away from home walking pleasantly.
“If you wake up five to eight, you can still make it at eight!” We used to laugh about this fact together. For her it was really important to wake up as late as possible. It was not five to eight, but it was later than waking up for school. If it meant so much to her, best to let her have it.
She had all her papers in place the morning her project started. There is always a bit of bureaucracy involved in such things. She was cheerful as she left. How nice! She was even more cheerful when she returned! “Anything goes” worked so well for her! I wouldn’t have expected it.
She was even in the mood to communicate! How lucky could I get?
“I put new packs of medication on the shelves!”
Wow! She was so thrilled! Happy for her.
“Did you put them all in the right place?”
“Sure!”
Remember SOfT (Standing Ovations for Trivialities)? Now it’s time for SOfT! So please join in! We all imagine our group’s SOfT! It doesn’t matter that…whatever doubts our group might express here…it doesn’t matter.
“Good, Darling! Well done!”
Her grounding was working, on a more serious note. With all the superficial fragmented learning without appropriate regeneration phases I had been wondering for quite a while now.
The following day she happily woke up and got ready with this aplomb of fully enjoying the closeness to the pharmacy. She was so different from me. I would have gone to the end of the world to get what I wanted. Isn’t there the saying “If you can’t get what you love then love what you’ve got!”? I am not sure if I’m using the saying in an appropriate context, but I had the impression I loved what I loved and only that while Raffaella-Bianca…how do I say it?…did not. I was not sure what she did. I was curious about this short four day process because it could reveal so much that was in the becoming and I had no idea about it because it didn’t surface under our usual circumstances.
“Sweetie, have fun again today! See you at the end of your work day! Kissy! Mommy loves you!”
“Love you too! Kissy!” And off she was.
She came back in a good mood and just as open to communicate as the day before.
“Today the boss interrupted me while doing the shelves and sent me away with some papers!”
“In the rain?” For all the wrong reasons on my part I overheard the pride she took. I lost it! And I missed the point! I was immediately sorry for my stupid blunder! Poor girl, she was so disappointed with me! Because of her disappointment with me I was disappointed with myself!
Only a few hours later did she feel like being close to me. In the evening I took the opportunity to say: “Beautiful, if the boss sent you away with her company’s papers then for sure she must have trusted you a lot! Really, a lot!”
She nodded and smiled.
“Just that Mommy wouldn’t have wanted you out in the rain!”
“But I don’t mind the rain! They can send me away with the papers tomorrow!”
“If you say so! And congratulations to all your great work!”
The other ideas and questions I kept for myself. The half-lawyer in me would have wanted to know more about the terms, the insurance, liabilities and all that which can become vitally important when something goes wrong. But…I gave it up. I didn’t have the right kind of child for such issues. Everything had been worked out between the school system and the companies. I was not aware of details and I would have liked to know. But I bet everybody would have found me a bother, to say the least. As long as everything is fine nobody liked to dig deeper, but if the one exception happens everybody goes on the barricades although it might have been wiser to get informed ahead of time. Insight by hindsight can prove painful. And who takes responsibility then? Usually, they all run away blaming the others. And what about the instances in which the child would be the only one left over and some people would gladly blame the child! This is maybe an ugly fantasy of mine, but reality shows that the weak and defenseless end up as double victims, first of what happens and second of the general interpretation of the events. You’ve never heard of such things? Apparently, the concept of the rare exception gets to us only when we get hit by it. I feel when it comes to such scenarios a parent can’t protect the child enough! It is too bad that someone like me gets described as “overprotective and hysterical” before an event and as “negligent and unfit” after!
Raffaella-Bianca was too young to understand. But why was that the case? Because she had identified with society’s usual standard of agreeing to anything and everything without questioning the setting. Do you know what I would have liked? Maybe one day another child in a similar context would have all it takes, the knowledge, preparation, clarity and courage, to ask the boss: “Does this get covered by the agreement between my school and your company?” Don’t you think that would be very meaningful? Before a child goes out and gets hit by a car driven by someone who is driving too fast or is drunk or drugged or tired or has a seizure…or…or…or. Do you see what I mean? I wish already in Raffaella-Bianca’s generation would have been normal to have children ask questions connected to their self-protection when grown-ups put them at risk. If not in her generation or all earlier ones for that matter, maybe in the future, if not in the near future maybe in some distant future when all parents teach their children about such things and all children apply them when appropriate. I expect that such new behaviors would greatly enhance children’s quality of Life! That would be worth all the effort on the individual and societal levels.
The third day of the project involved some phone calls to get some information and she found it fun. She helped with other auxiliary tasks and she performed well. People were nice to her and appreciated her work.
“Just imagine today I could answer the phone because we had so many customers and all the others were busy! I took notes!”
“Wonderful, Angel! How nice you were there to help!”
Her fourth day was just as positive and full of her little help actions here and there in the front and behind the counters, with the shelves, with research and phone calls. She came back with an excellent report and everybody was sad to see her go. She took great pride in her mature and careful performance with every task and the appreciation of her supervisors. I could tell from all the positive emotions on her face that she got something out of her project. I wasn’t sure what the long-term effect would be for her. At the very least it would turn into a pleasant memory of a constructive event. And that was already something to be happy about.
She got reinforced in continuing her own path of freedom which had some positive and some negative side effects. On the positive side she felt even more confident with her own learning methods and her rhythm of learning which enabled her to also have as much time as possible with friends. She got into her routine and switched to autopilot. What worked worked. On the negative side she listened even less and did even less than before. Not that I ever had the impression she had done things just because I said so, but around this time she turned it into a higher purpose to be stubborn or to show passive resistance or to openly protest and clearly declare her dissent.
Communication was never her strength or interest. If earlier on she had tried to communicate by now communication became a futile enterprise. I felt left in the fog and if I asked questions I only bothered and irritated her. Everyday encounters became more difficult as a result because while I was still interested in the same things she drifted away either by indifference or disagreement. What I minded most what that she changed the rules as she wanted, but instead of informing me about it “Mommy, from now on I prefer this and that…” or “Mommy, we have to stop with such and such…” she left me to figure it out on my own. I cared just as much as always and found her attitude unfair. Why did I have to get thrown into a labyrinth without having any control over the process? I felt I had all the patience to deal with this resource consuming procedure, but I caught myself asking what if one day I ran out of patience? The idea scared me because I knew I could be patient unless I found something meaningless. Starting at zero more often than I liked was not exactly on my wish list.
I remember the day when I came home from downtown having shopped only for myself after a few weeks of negotiating our time to do it together. She had postponed it several times without any reasonable explanation and I was left with the decision to go ahead and do it on my own. She was shocked as if I had committed a crime or a sin. She had no sense of respecting boundaries and expected me to play the little doggy for her if I wanted it or not! One thing to play the little doggy by choice and a very different thing by necessity!
I need to say I was shocked about myself for going downtown without her. It felt unthinkable simply because I had no habit for it. Her wish had always been my top priority. All of a sudden she signaled desinterest to continue with our familiar patterns and when I came to my own conclusion and changed my behavior it was strange for both of us.
I realized how vulnerable a dedicated mother becomes and how defenseless to emotional blackmail. I was horrified! The past way was obsolete and the new one was unfamiliar, unusual, unwanted. We had been quite symbiotic and I was fully aware of it. Now she was transforming our symbiosis in her way at her pace, somehow unpredictable to me, but anyhow clearly transforming and it created a gap or vacuum that neither of us enjoyed. I had expected her not to care in the least about my shopping downtown alone. That would have been logical and congruent with her behavior. But no such chance. Her reaction caused confusion in both of us. I was willing and able to let go and adapt, but she wanted and simultaneously did not want the change. I had never experienced such contradictions before in any of my relationships. Not easy for me. I was unprepared for potential turmoil. I had to think of Margaret Mead and intuitively knew a lot depended on my reactions and attributions to Raffaella-Bianca and her emerging behaviors. And I also realized that I was up to a certain personality influenced in certain ways by the world around her. There was a thin line, but there was one, between the one and the other. And together she and the world around her produced a certain effect.
Having read about Margaret Mead’s work I wanted to keep in mind society and what it made us think and expect regarding teenagers and try my best to avoid the usual traps that took hold of both parents and teenagers of our times. I wondered how to best handle society and how to keep at bay the beliefs made for the masses and at the same time how to best assist her in her personal development even if she was looking forward to all these beliefs that caused me electrified hair to the highest degree. She really thought she had to go through all these beliefs and I knew nothing and no one could stop her. How would she manage to navigate her process? And how would I manage to navigate her navigation?
For me she was still the sweet intelligent girl just that in the course of time both strengths and weaknesses emerged as she grew older. In her early years I had found her perfect. By now her imperfections made negotiating burdensome because while as a little girl every effort was worthwhile I wondered if negotiating was not turning into a nonsensical activity due to her unwillingness to keep agreements. If she was in the mood she did and if she was not she did not. Everything changed step by step nothing radical or dramatic or it became clear that we were in the middle of a process. I wondered about the continuity or stability of her changes. Or am I losing myself in contradictions here?
Everything would have been more pleasant had it not been for her mild irritation and impatience which accompanied her more often independent if there was a reason or none as the source of her feelings. I felt challenged to react adequately. I wanted to take her seriously, but I did not want to invest my attention in dubious feelings she displayed as part of a game. I did not ignore anything, but after checking what was really going on I moved on and left her to her own devices. If she enjoyed complaining and didn’t mind wasting her time, no one could stop her. I started to keep my distance and give her all the space she wanted. She apparently wanted her peace and things relaxed. But when she started chasing me with her whining I knew she was looking for a kick, not literally – no, I did not kick her – but an inner kick she got from provoking and pestering.
The best at pestering each other were Raffaella-Bianca and Grandma. I suppose their similarities created a huge virtual space for the two of them for better and for worse. I learned how to quickly stop this pattern between me and her, but they did not. Stubbornness was more important to the two of them than peace. Grandma never understood how inadequate and unpleasant her style was. She always ignored that I distanced myself from her views in everything even long before becoming a mother. Unfortunately for her, she continued on the same path also afterwards and her denial really irritated Raffaella-Bianca. Grandma tried to bring up Raffaella-Bianca the way she had brought me up, but how could she have ever imagined it would have worked? If it had not worked for me as a Cancer, why could she not accept she stood no chance with an Aquarius? Someone like her with major insecurities could only make things worse for a child if she tried to impose her views. She was on losing ground in every respect when she did not move within the boundaries created by me. Raffaella-Bianca easily disrespected my boundaries by at least bending them, but that was no reason for me to declare war. Although I found my interactions annoying because I would have liked to spend my time with other things of higher importance, I still found her behavior within an acceptable range for a child her age. I found it sad that she disconnected from her inner wisdom and that she put on the back burner her inner brilliance, but the consequences were not fatal. They did have a negative impact on her quality of Life, but only I thought so while she did not. And I think her priorities had to have priority over mine, no matter how relevant mine seemed in the long term. What teenager transcends short term? I know none.
My negotiations between the two of them I found dense and heavy, maybe even unnatural. Mami was holding on to her nonsensical beliefs and there was no way to get some reason into her. I tried my best to reduce the tensions between them. I spoke to each one alone. But sometimes I had to react immediately when things got out of hand when either of them raised their voices or was on the verge of tears. I separated them first, usually by taking Raffaella-Bianca out of the room simply because she moved faster, but after this first step of emergency I started with the one who was more affected in that particular context. There was no set order in this.
“Darling, you have every right to say no to Grandma’s idea, just be more peaceful and polite! There is absolutely no need to explode! Really! I mean it!”
“Grandma makes me very angry when she tells me what to do!”
“I know, Angel! Believe me, I know!”
Once she was more pacified we would talk a bit more.
“Sunshine, Grandma is really far from perfect. It would be great if she just let you be. She strongly believes insisting on certain issues is a sign of love. No harm intended. I would so much like you to remember this!”
At the other end I also had to offer some consolation and some re-orientation.
“How can you allow her to be so rude to me? She is also rude to you!”
“Mami, I never take such behaviors personally! And because you are the so called grown-up it can only be expected from you to adapt!”
“She is the child and has to follow!”
“We all know she is just not that type of child!”
“Aren’t you worried?”
“I am! She is impulsive but not wise anymore! And extremely headstrong! But I am not willing to be brutal just because of that!”
“I’ve never seen you been anything else but liberal! And that’s not right!”
“As you know I prefer her to understand things not just to follow!”
“You will be very sorry one day!”
“Maybe you’re right. Who can say since I bring her up so differently from all conventional models? But I want her to develop no authority problems. If I play the bad dictator with her she has no chance. And childhood is over at some point, but authority issues never go away again. I offer her now a healthy foundation for the future although I agree with you that it is a lot of work and it comes with no guarantee attached to it!”
“You see!”
“I honestly think we will only see it when she will be a mother herself! I truly think that will be the ultimate test!”
“But that’s an eternity away!”
“Time passes, Mami. I shouldn’t have to remind you of this fact and truth!”
“In any case, I don’t like her behavior!”
“I recommend to you to come talk to me if…”
“You can’t mean that I should stop to complain directly to her when she misbehaves!”
“It would be better to tell me what disturbs you in her behavior and I discuss it with her without having you suffer because she ignores you and makes funny faces at you!”
“But you would only speak to her your way!”
“What else, Mami? Doing it your way is what every helpless grown-up does by starting threatening and making bleak prophecies about the end of the world all condensed in the behavior of a child! That’s ridiculous! No one can take that seriously! Especially not a child! And definitely not one like her!”
“That’s what happens when a child grows up without fear!” There she was throwing it all into my face!
If she scared me in my childhood now so many years and insights later the concept of fear was more obsolete than ever. Poor her! She really thought that since she spent her life accompanied by some kind of fear or another that also both I and Raffaella-Bianca had to blindly fall into her projections of doom and gloom. Once I understood that her fears were of the kind of Napoleon’s contemporaries being worried about the atomic bomb, I could make my peace for never having taken her seriously. What a waste of energy!
And spending lifetimes in self-chosen terror is simply not spiritual! Raffaella-Bianca did not listen even when suggestions were grounded, let alone to Mami’s fabricated fear based creations! I was glad she did not listen, but I could not identify with her undiplomatic reactions. Too bad Mami was not in favor of letting me save her from Raffaella-Bianca’s raw emotions.
As the harmony addict I am I can only be in favor of social desirability. It makes Life very easy in many instances. The two of them were neither harmony addicts nor fans of social desirability. From time to time they had their little clashes and in spite of their reciprocal complaints about each other to me they needed to deal with things on their own since my style was not palatable to the two of them.
As long as nothing dramatic happened I could retreat with my concepts and philosophies. And I could ponder. I felt that someone who was as unconventional as me had a lot to be self-critical about. The clarity that I had never identified with Mami did not automatically mean that I was going to be successful in my motherhood. Also having a child like me would not have convinced me a priori that my different style was also better than Mami’s. I saw some potential advantages, but my child was a more and more enigmatic being to me the older she got. That made the equation already more complicated than I could logically handle. And emotionally already years earlier I had slowly moved from very positive to positive and found myself between positive and neutral at this time. I dreaded the idea of moving below neutral. It was not her behavior per se that had this sobering effect on me, but the increasing disalignment I could perceive on the energetic level.
I was aware that Mami noticed too. She felt she had to fight against it while I decided to observe and flow with it as long as this disalignment did not cause any real harm. Raffaella-Bianca was selling herself short. Her quality of Life decreased little by little the more she made her own decisions. I found it a pity that she did not stick to our habits. But why force her? That had a worse energy than letting her do it her way in spite of the diminishing of her quality of Life. As a teenager I had also distanced myself from my parents just that I got inspired by people who increased my quality of Life practically on all levels. My choices made perfect sense to me because they added value to my life. What Raffaella-Bianca was doing I perceived as the opposite. I had never ever thought people would orient themselves down. Why would anybody do that?
It became clear to me that she had internalized nothing of my values especially when talking about details. It was such an unexpected insight and my skepticism grew by the day what the entire process might bring. Less quality of Life was one thing. There are more fans of mediocrity in the world than sand on the beach! But how bad could it get over time? What was best for me to do and not to do? I would have been lost without my energetic access! Needless to say! Not the first time and not the last! I had learned to accept that the frequency was highest if I did nothing, but if I told her my opinion. Giving her feedback was fine for both of us and the energy was best. That was nice to know, but did I always understand what was really going on? I wish. This was not quite my universe. What a strange feeling to have to be in it.
I had the definite impression that this was the repetition of a family pattern in that Mama Ana had been different from her mother, Mami had been different from Mama Ana, I had been different from Mami and, here we were, Raffaella-Bianca was different from me. Nothing should have come as a surprise, or not? I have to admit I experienced some slight resistance to this repetitive pattern. My biggest struggle was the concept “nature versus nurture” which I liked very much because psychology gave nature 30% and nurture 70%, a great balance of power in favor of nurture, in my opinion. But in this case, numbers did not add up because it looked all up side down producing a sense of confusion in me. I suppose I fell prey to psychological brainwashing. Never, ever had I questioned the validity of the percentages! Subjectively speaking, I was dealing with 99% versus 1%! An unbearable unbalance!
To think you can nurture as much as you want and also according to the most fantastic concepts, but ultimately you get crashed against the wall of Nature, has a monstrous dimension about it. After an update between theory and practice, and I always prefer pragmatism to everything else, I came to the conclusion that the only solution to my dilemma was to consciously respect Raffaella-Bianca’s nature. I had always respected her nature, but always under the veil of the “enormous” influence of “nurture” which proved to be a negligible quantity by plain experience. Actually, forgetting all about nurture and focusing on nature had an appealing tone to it. Yes, that felt good, made sense and the energies were clear and positive. Why torture her? Why torture myself?
I had turned psychology into my religion and I was on the verge of paying the price! I caught myself just in the nick of time! It was true I had no idea what we were heading for, but a change in gears led to some more peace regarding my strategy. The doubts would increase since entering unknown territory also implies higher risks, but I knew I would give my best. But you know what still bugged me? That sense of responsibility that a mother has to cover everything all the time. “Everything all the time” is such a burden! My energetic access made it easier, but I wouldn’t dare call it a pleasure because it was still non-linear.
But then again I told myself that if letting go of nurture was too hard for me to do fast, I could take my time and do it slowly. We were still years away of her majority. I did not have to accomplish my mission in the four months before her 13th birthday. That deadline would have proved a failing and fatal deadline. I practically had five more years, years, to learn to let go.
I suppose psychology likes to speak about nurture because it is dynamic. Nature is nature and that’s it. Nurture is nurture and is never ending, the eternal trap for motherhood. No wonder we women get beaten over our heads until we believe and repeat in the best parrot-like manner that our children never grow up and that they are forever our little ones and that they need us beyond eternity and back! The hugest and heaviest stone around a woman’s neck in the history of womanhood! If Mami believed such nonsense, I did not! I never had, not even at the time of my childhood, let alone at the time of my daughter’s childhood. Nurture opens up the trap for a mother to give all that she has and also all that she doesn’t have. I can only call that trap/Trap/TRAP. Scary, I find.
What best way for a woman to enter the dark and dense realm of deficits but via motherhood? Let’s remember though that women have also the second option of marriage with its own door into this realm, but this is just a reminder on the side and has no higher significance in the current context. The many options of women! Doesn’t that make you…? I bet this list is endless… And to complete this bleak picture let’s not forget that we women define ourselves over our relationships! That biggy we cannot even swallow, let alone digest at some point. Practically we carry the numerous scars of traumas from lifetime to lifetime if we don’t interrupt this vicious circle.
But since the planetary vibrations are changing opportunities are coming our way. Let’s see what we will make out of them. It all starts on the individual level and moves to the collective one. It is a participatory process meaning the individual contribution is a prerequisite, no such thing as have it done for you by someone else, no coming of the Christ, be it first or second, or holy spirit processes involved. Woman by woman. Nothing more. Nothing less. I think it will be most exciting to watch this development from generation to generation. But don’t let me get ahead of myself, maybe this development will need a lot longer to get started, if at all…Who can tell how individual women will decide be it in this generation or any other one? Best to let things take their course…
It was around this time that from one day to the next I felt I entered a new time dimension, all described due to the lack of a better word. November that year was the month of conferences. At the beginning of the month I attended the first one with the most fascinating topic of alternative medicine. I had heard about it by pure accident and immediately registered. I enjoyed it. But I had this strange feeling of being constantly unnaturally tired and could not quite put my finger on it. Just before the middle of the month I went to Switzerland for a conference with an American company and I felt I was in the right place at the right time. This was an international conference with masses of interesting companies and people. I could not believe my luck. The highest flowing phenomenon ever! I felt like crying when the conference came to an end after a few days!
Everything was spectacular except that for the very first time in my entire life I could not carry my own luggage. OK! OK! The very first seconds upon arrival I thought my inner snob was getting the better of me because we were accommodated in a castle. I had read about the castle, but I did not expect a castle. I thought some past life trauma got activated and there I was unwilling to carry my own luggage. But I did not think that just because we were in a castle I should not carry my own luggage! Yes, I am a snob, one of the best things to be in this world! But in that instance it was not about being a snob! Unfortunately, most unfortunately! It was about not being able to carry my own luggage, simple and plain! I had difficulties carrying myself and going up and down the stairs was abnormal due to lack of balance! I had never experienced something like that! Something was wrong and it had nothing to do with my snobbishness. Unluckily!
I came back to Vienna and knew I had only a few days until the next international conference in Bucharest. I had to send Raffaella-Bianca downtown to buy me the presents for Bucharest. Only one week earlier I had bought everything myself for the conference in Switzerland and look at me now, how dysfunctional I turned within a short week! I flew to Bucharest, enjoyed the conference just as much as the one before and was again just as weak as in the castle without living in a castle this time, but in an excellent hotel in the middle of town.
There are two places where I love to eat in Bucharest, my old favorite the Intercont and my new favorite the JW Marriott. From the street one needs to step up three low steps to enter the lane for the Intercont and I had to ask people of the street to help me go up! Fortunately, Romanians being the friendly people they are, they repeatedly helped me, complete strangers who never looked at me in weird ways and who always wished me “Sanatate!” (health) after helping me. Nobody treated me as if I was drunk or drugged or crazy. The same happened at Marriott where I walked around the Vienna Cafe holding on to friends who started looking very worried by the minute.
When I landed back in Vienna I got into the cab that was expecting me and the driver took care of everything as he noticed I was not in my usual shape. While still in the cab I called Papi to come down and take care of me and my luggage. It took me ages to walk up the stairs between the entrance and the new elevator in our building and of course I had to hold on to Papi’s arm. Poor Papi looked shocked, but pretended to cope. When Mami saw me she did not. She looked soaked with shocks and worries! She didn’t verbalize much, but she was thoroughly devastated. When I was in my bed I could hear them whisper, not their usual considerate whisper to let me rest, but the dramatic type people fall into when something dramatic is going on.
When I woke up from a very deep sleep I felt less tired, but not regenerated. Still a clear strategy was needed to give myself some transition until finding out what was going on. First, I cancelled all my appointments. Second, I made several appointments with alternative doctors, some of them my old ones and some of them new ones I had met at the alternative medicine conference at the beginning of the month. Third, I asked Papi if he could accompany me to university as I had planned my meetings with my dissertation advisers after my business trips. They were aware of all my professional activities and were very flexible in the planning of our meetings. I really wanted to get back to them and also to my student groups and see how we could all proceed for the near future. And last, but not least, I had to decide how to communicate about my state with the family, especially Raffaella-Bianca!
When she came from school that day she was happy to see me again! We always envied each other when one of us came back from a trip to Romania. She was curious about the conference, family and friends and, of course, her present! I don’t remember what I brought her that time, but she always got a little something and had fun with it. I wanted neither to deny nor to dramatize my motoric issues. I told her how tired I felt and how weak I was motorically, but that I had already made my medical appointments. She reacted in a neutral way which I interpreted in a positive manner, but also noticed a certain lack of empathy, not new to me, but also nothing to worry me. It was most important to me to facilitate the stability and continuity of her rhythm.
Everything else was about little details, especially at this stage. She coped well. She kept her rhythm and I kept mine as much as I could. Papi was the one who accompanied me all over. At home I did everything on my own as always from having my showers to cooking. After my initial short pause also all my professional activities resumed and I tried my best to function “normally” although nothing was really normal anymore. Who ever thinks they might stop walking or lose their motoric balance? The jogger in me was in deep despair! I as the entity stayed as calm as possible focusing on finding a medical solution. In any case, I made it my top priority never to need anything from Raffaella-Bianca due to my symptoms. As long as I managed that I knew she would not be more than minimally alerted. I also asked Mami and Papi to restrain from making comments about the seriousness of my symptoms or their own fears regarding my prognosis when she was around.
On the one hand, we all preserved an atmosphere of positivity in everything we did. On the other hand, of course, we got affected. And regarding certain aspects in most unpredictable ways. My symptoms did not get worse, but they also did not get better over the weeks. I was somehow stable, but unresolved. Papi decided not to go to Romania for Christmas because of me. So far, so good. I did not even expect it, no idea why. In any case, as he made his decision known, Raffaella-Bianca decided that she wanted to go to Romania on her own.
I was shocked! Not yet thirteen and traveling so far alone was not my idea of a wise decision. I am of the opinion that when we are already confronted with unusual circumstances beyond our immediate control we need to stay away from adding to our burden. What is not absolutely necessary for the resolution of the issue has to wait or be eliminated for the duration of the crisis. Clear enough, simple enough, but who could tell Raffaella-Bianca? No matter how much I argued against such a trip nothing made her change her mind. I told Papi to go with her, but Papi was adamant about staying with me. There were quite a number of reasons that spoke against this trip beginning with her wish to apply to the director for several days of anticipated vacation, her trip alone and her accommodation in the house of a friend just that I did not know either the friend or his family. In my mind there was not one single reason speaking in favor of this trip.
Let’s first have a look at the physical plane and second at the energetic one. I regarded this episode as more profound than an over-protective mother and a wild daughter although I was aware of these qualities in our dyad. The preparation started with my phone call to the friend’s family in order to get confirmation for the invitation and at the same time work out the details, as not to say terms. I cannot say how ridiculous I felt having to do a phone call I did not at all identify with. Why would I ever want to send my child to strangers’ home to spend the holidays with them? Unfathomable, on my side! Absurd to the outmost! But ok, let’s see how our conversation goes.
“Your son was very kind to invite my daughter to stay with you for Christmas this year!”
“Yes, that’s right!” The mother was very friendly and seemed prepared for their visitor.
“Is it fine with you and your husband as well?”
“Of course!”
“That is very nice to hear, but do you feel I need to also talk to your husband?”
“No! If the two of us talk that is enough!”
“Great, but if ever your husband wants to talk to me tell him I am available anytime!”
“I am sure he won’t have to!”
“Let me ask you then about how much I need to pay for accommodation for Raffaella-Bianca for the duration of her stay with you!”
“I don’t know!”
“I discussed this issue with Papi and he informed me about how much they pay the family they usually stay with!” I named her the amount.
“I think that should be fine!”
“How about you discuss it with your husband as well and we talk about it when we speak next time?”
“Sure.”
“I will call you regularly to get all details organized as we move along.”
“Fine.”
“If you ever need to talk to me please send me a beep and I will call you back as soon as I’m free! I have your number saved in my phone and I can react quickly!”
We parted on best terms. Our first contact covered the major issues and everything else would follow.
Now a short sociological note is in place. This is all interpreted from my perspective and I can imagine others would bring along their own interpretations. Just feel free! A teenager’s friend invites the teenager over for the holidays. Question number one: How friends are teenager friends and how reliable are such invitations? Better check with the friend’s parents, best yet with his dad. Don’t take another family member’s word for it as the husband always has the final say. And remember if you ever get a chance to talk to the husband let him confirm every little detail as if you have never addressed the issues before. One cannot be too cautious. And if he repeats everything and agrees to it all as the most natural thing in the world, then there is only one last thing to heed: Expect everything to go wrong! Yes, you read it right!
And what’s the story with the beep? A Romanian friend of mine taught me otherwise I would have died dumb. You call someone on their cell phone just once for them to discover your number and then you hang up. You leave no message, you don’t communicate in any elegant, civilized way, but just send this beep. I had never heard of it before and no one in my international circle practiced such a technique. To expect someone else to pay your phone bill has many sociological facets, don’t you find? My friend meant well, but I never practiced beeping with him or anybody else. There is one catch with beeping in Romania: You have to offer it to someone who might be in no position to easily pay the bill if calling you.
Now to the energetic level. I could identify already in earlier times an energy in Raffaella-Bianca which was vaguely familiar from the larger family. The main characteristics had to do with taking risks, being reckless and wild. This was a monster energy according to my own interpretation which I always stayed away from. I don’t remember situations from my life in which this energy took over, but it did haunt our larger family in every generation. I could not identify the origin or get details on it, but I always regarded it as a dangerous and negative energy. If countered this energy goes into hiding just to explode unexpectedly. To bring up a child with constant forbidding and punishing only feeds this energy which reinforces a chain reaction of disasters. This energy scared me and it made me most uncomfortable to know it around Raffaella-Bianca. I am not sure about this, but from the little I knew I was aware that if trying to control it, this energy found an expression in traffic accidents of the worst kind usually with dramatic or even tragic consequences.
With this in mind trying to be rational and convince Raffaella-Bianca to give up her trip wouldn’t have done the trick. Only she could give it up out of her own will, but this was all a theoretical consideration. Practically, it never works this way. What to do? What not to do? Best to get prepared without expecting things to work for the best. They never do. At the same time, if only little things go wrong then an explosion can be avoided. This is a nightmare energy, I tell you! And as you can imagine, there is never a convenient time to encounter this energy. Interesting that it struck at a time when I was not in a good shape myself.
I decided to go through all steps of the preparation with lots of care taking all precautions as much as I could think ahead. I knew I would move from failure to failure without knowing when it would happen. I armed myself with lots of patience. The second one gets upset one is on losing ground.
I sent Raffaella-Bianca to the director’s office for the approval of her early vacation. She came back from school with the message from the secretary that “If we don’t receive an e-mail in the next few days the director approved our application!” Aha! I already smelled trouble! No rejection e-mail came. Raffaella-Bianca found me crazy because up to that point the director had always approved her early vacations. Up to that point, yes…Day after day I sent her back to the director’s office just to be on the safe side. I was haunted by the impression that the spelling of my first name without an h might prove fateful. Germanics are not good at writing e-mails to addresses containing non-Germanic names! I can’t explain why! If you ever find out please let me know! I’m curious. Raffaella-Bianca’s stubbornness got the better of her. What else?
Papi bought her the ticket and I continued communicating with her friend’s family. I was lucky to also find the boy’s dad on the phone and in the most clear manner I took him through all negotiating terms from A to Z to which he readily agreed just like his wife before him. And what do you think I did? I smelled even more trouble. Are you surprised? I bet you get the impression I was carefully getting ready to shoot myself in the knee! Let’s see what can be avoided.
A few days before her departure she found herself in the secretary’s office for some bureaucratic detail and found out she had not been approved to leave early. Aha! There we go. The beginning of the end…She immediately called me on the phone and behaved in a most childish way expecting me to perform miracles. But she was ready to travel alone. She saw no contradiction in her behavior. Main thing she could leave early. But I just did not see how a miracle could happen. It would have been so much better to find out about the rejection early, but that choice was not taken seriously when I recommended not to rely on an e-mail.
“Darling, we will adapt!”
Adapt? Since when is Life for a teenager about adapting? She was not in the mood.
“I will call the director and talk to him. Do not expect to leave early though. The energies don’t…”
When she heard about “the energies” she turned off her thinking. The entire episode was about energies, but who decides to deny and ignore them ends up being very unhappy.
“When you get home I’ll tell you what the director said.”
The director decided to reject the application for early leave because he had already approved so many early leaves in the past years. Too bad no one informed me about this maximum number of early leaves. I would have kept that in mind instead of causing such a situation.
“I never received your e-mail with your rejection and assumed we could go ahead with the preparations. We have had her tickets for days.”
“I understand. We could agree that she needs to leave due to some family emergency such as a funeral and I write it down like that.”
Very nice of the director to offer this option, but becoming a liar was not an offer I could accept.
“There is no emergency and there is no funeral.”
“I know, but…”
“I think it’s best to agree to stick to the truth. This is the best policy for all of us.”
The director was unprepared for my approach, but I meant it and I meant it because it was the right thing to do. Why would I ever opt for lying to the director who would then have to make a note which we both knew was a lie? The energy was strange, ok, but I was still free to make my own choices. And under the circumstances this was the only choice for me. Short-term and long-term I felt I reacted in a self-responsible way as a human being. Rules can be strange, communication about rules can fail, not to mention the fragility of modern technology which never stopped to make feel skeptical, but was I willing to use any of them as an excuse and act in a manner that would have only made everything worse? Above all I wanted to keep my inner power instead of throwing it away in an instance of an option that was not even tempting to me. I was not looking for a shortcut with the director. I was looking for a solution. And there was our solution: Raffaella-Bianca would leave on the first day of her official vacation.
Needless to say, she was frustrated to hear the news. What was good news for me was bad news for her. She was left with nothing but to accept it. I called Romania to clarify things and at that end things were clear and ready. She had fun buying presents. I don’t remember one single thing she bought, but I supported her suggestions and gladly financed them for her. She found all the things she wanted not only for the boy and his family but also for all her other young friends. From all her other trips she had great routine with buying presents and wrapping them beautifully. She was all joy anticipating all the fun she would have with all her friends. She called them all to announce her trip and the fact that for the very first time she would travel all alone. She took such pride in this detail while I had electrified hair to the highest degree. I tell you I would have won first prize.
With her luggage and her presents she felt all set. I did not. I did what I felt was right in my capacity, nothing world changing, but doing it made feel better so I did it. I wrote and signed a paper in German, Romanian, English and French (not knowing what they speak in Hungary, besides Hungarian of course, so both English and French felt best) entitled “Declaration” to make it appear as formal as possible and informed the world that my daughter such and such with all the pertinent information traveled from here to there on her own with my permission and I included all my contact information attaching a copy of my passport which on the one hand showed my signature so that no one would think my declaration was a joke and on the other hand my passport showed her entry as my child from the period before she had her own passport to officially confirm our relationship.
I wanted to make sure no well-intentioned bureaucrat would trigger a disaster if he realized the child was traveling alone but conjured an Oscar worthy plot around this topic and felt he needed to intervene by calling around to clarify the situation. I wanted to make sure everything was clear to everyone. Who knows what happens to teenagers traveling alone when authorities become aware of the fact? I had no idea, but I assumed nothing good. Signing that paper was my way to take responsibility as a mother. I just wondered if something would really happen if I could reach my lawyer to get Raffaella-Bianca out of wherever-whatever-however. That one I could not control and was not keen on finding out either.
Raffaella-Bianca thought that just because she had traveled so many times with Grandpa it was the same when doing it on her own, but I knew that was not necessarily true. Just because my child was wild, I didn’t think I had to join her. She found the paper ridiculous. I could only hope that paper would never play a role in her trip. And ridiculous or not, best to have it. We made photocopies of all my papers and all her papers on top of the originals just in case the originals might disappear. How ready do you think is a teenager to find themselves abroad without documents? Raffaella-Bianca not at all.
The big day came, Grandpa took her to the bus and off she was to the Romanian mountains. I felt I did all I could. Would she also do all she could to make the trip a positive event after all? I was sad she was doing this to herself. I could not understand her behavior at all. I really found her wild. I knew no other child like her. I wondered how other parents of such children dealt with similar situations. I could imagine that such families lived in constant tensions and possibly conflict. I wondered also how things would be for us in the following years if at the young age of not yet thirteen she made such decisions and didn’t care in the least what I had to say. I knew I was going to spend her trip on the edge of my chair. Would I have to spend years on the edge of my chair? Would there ever be another state for me? Even if nothing ever goes wrong taking all these risks is unpleasant. Let alone if one day something does go wrong. Maybe we would be lucky, but who could guarantee it? And going through Life counting on luck is just not spiritual and not my way at all. I felt challenged.
She arrived safely and I called her everyday according to her wish. The family and Raffaella-Bianca did fine with one another. When I called either the mother or the father of the boy answered and we chatted for a while. Have I already mentioned how unusual I found it to know my child was with strangers? I know, I have, but…My luck, I master small talk, but you know what? I don’t like having to do it. Definitely not, if I am forced to do it. I felt so disconnected from this family and the entire situation. It was not the worst that could ever happen to me or anyone, but I had difficulties accepting the fact that I found myself in this context because of my own child. She was not even at the point to take responsibility for herself and I found she was not in the appropriate setting to learn about it. I wondered about her learning effect from this premature experience. Especially under the influence of the weird energies…
Christmas day in the morning everybody was happy with their presents and I was very glad to hear that. In the afternoon I receive a phone call to call her back which I do immediately.
“The boy’s father wants more money!”
Aha! I did not know if to burst out laughing or break down in tears. She was in shock. The big lioness turned into the smallest grey mouse in the world.
“Are you doing ok, Sunshine?”
“Well…”
“Let’s see what Mommy can do. Is the father available to talk?”
No idea what triggered his change of mind. Best to listen and not jump to conclusions.
“You know, a vacation in the mountains costs much more than what we agreed on!”
“How much?”
He named an amount which was not out of proportion, but with no logic to it as to have a basis for understanding. He sounded like a man who for the very first time in his life got lucky and felt he should try his luck with me. Let’s see how far he would get.
“I understand! And I suppose if we don’t reach a new understanding Raffaella-Bianca needs to go somewhere else!”
“Is there somewhere where she can go?”
I am not sure what answer he expected and why he expected that answer. I knew though I had no basis for assuming I could reach a valid agreement with the man. It could only get worse. He was after money, no matter how. There was no objective reason whatsoever to increase any price. Such people only motivate me to do everything in my power to get rid of them as soon as possible. Negotiating with unreasonable people is never either meaningful or promising. Only a pattern interrupt will do. Stand up and run!
“I need to look into it. Please be kind and let me speak to my daughter to understand what she prefers.”
“Sure.” No man before had been more sure of himself. Human voice has so many facets.
“Mommy…”
“Angel, I suppose these people don’t speak English.”
“No.”
“Listen and listen well! I want you out of there immediately. Can you get out and play with other friends? Can you stay out even for a few hours? I have to organize new accommodation for you as soon as possible and when you return to get your stuff I want you accompanied by a grown-up outside that family! Could I call you somewhere else?”
We agreed on the family where they usually stayed.
“Play in front of their house and I’ll try to call you back at the latest in two hours. I am sorry for you, Beautiful.”
I spoke to Papi and he started making some phone calls. Why he was not in favor of the usual family he would not say. There was really no time to get into the psychodynamics of incomprehensible phenomena. An older woman agreed to take Raffaella-Bianca. We had become friends with her daughter and she had visited us in Vienna a few years earlier. The daughter did not live in the village even though I would have preferred her. The old woman was the choice. Said and done.
She accompanied Raffaella-Bianca to the family’s house and took her into hers. I called the new house at the time we agreed on. The transfer had been uncomplicated. That was the major thing at that point.
“Are you doing better, Darling?”
“Yes.”
“I noticed how upset you were!”
“Yes.”
“Do you think you will be fine with the old lady?”
“I suppose so.”
“You and Grandpa do see her every time, right?”
“True.”
“Settle in now and Mommy calls you tomorrow. Hugs and kisses!”
I was relieved beyond belief. If she had been wild to get into this I had to be mild to get her out! Would it go well now? I had no such expectation. I just didn’t know the manifestations that were still waiting to show up. I armed myself with patience. I knew I could be patient, but I also knew some things were more meaningful to be patient for than others. This situation was not on my list of favorites because it would have been avoidable and it should have been avoided. If it had been all up to me we know where we would be now. But since motherhood cannot be about dictatorship sometimes we find ourselves where we never wanted to go. I made my phone calls to check on her.
“Mommy, I am very unhappy about something!” Too bad she noticed only now.
“What exactly?”
“I am expected to return home from playing before it gets dark because as soon as it gets dark the old lady locks all gates and doors and stays in for the rest of the day!”
“I see!”
“She says she is afraid in winter when the day is so short!”
“I understand!”
“I wish you were here!”
“No, Darling, I wish you were here! That’s the only right way to go!”
“I hate it having to give up playing so early!”
“I can imagine!”
“Couldn’t Grandpa find someone else?”
“Who could that be?”
“I don’t know.”
“You know I was in favor of your usual host family from the very beginning, but then you were against it and now Grandpa is against it. I have only one suggestion for you. If you really don’t like it you can always return early.”
“Oh no!”
“Not that you have to. Just as the very last…”
“I have fun playing, but it is much too short. That’s all.”
“I meant to tell you if your friend comes out to play there is no need to avoid him. The two of you can still be friends…just like before…if you both want to. No need to punish the son because of his dad. Remember that!”
“I know.”
“How is your friend?”
“He’s very sad, very sad.”
“His father is the embarrassment of the village. Poor boy!”
“We all make him feel good. Everybody is nice to him.”
“That’s the way to do it. And regarding your schedule you have to listen to the old lady.”
For someone like her to be forced to finish her day at three in the afternoon must have been a nightmare. How unexpected! I had no idea of old people’s habits in the Romanian mountains. I had not been to the Romanian mountains in winter since before Raffaella-Bianca’s third birthday. That made it ten years earlier. And my last visit had been in May during first grade which was more than six years before. Either way, a long time. There was nothing I could do for her in the mountains. She was more on her own than either of us could have ever imagined.
Do you know what I was starting to feel after her move with the old lady? Something very interesting namely that Life took over! Isn’t that amazing? Energies got shifted in such a way as to correct some of the phenomena that had made the entire episode so undesirable in my eyes. And Raffaella-Bianca was somehow more neutral. She had experienced a valuable reality check within a few days. When I spoke to her on the phone she sounded fine and more grounded than before. Grounding is always good. Things remained stable as the days passed. Also the trip back was uncomplicated.
Subjectively her trip felt much longer to me. When I had her back I wanted to stay away from lecturing her about the experience. I knew she wouldn’t have listened. I realized that just like with Mami and Papi in earlier times my ideas caused resistance in her as well. My universe was really different from the others’. And I mean different on deep levels as well. I found them to make their own lives more difficult than necessary, but they never noticed. It was important for me to notice the parallels.
Once Raffaella-Bianca was back Papi shared with me some of his fears regarding the infamous trip. For me everything was over once she was back. But for him it was the time to integrate his own experience of what and how the episode had happened.
“Why did you decide to send her to stay somewhere else?”
“There was no bond of trust between us and this family and it seemed best to disconnect!”
“He asked for a lot of money!”
“Some hundred euros is not such a huge amount. For me it was not about money…”
“You mean you had all the hundreds he wanted?”
“Of course!”
“But then why didn’t you just pay?”
I felt I had already answered all the questions that I could answer. Sad that Papi did not get it. How could I explain it so that he would understand too? Spontaneously I could only come up with one thing.
“You know what the Americans say?” I had no hope.
“What?”
“Just because you have money in your pocket it doesn’t mean you have to spend it.” And I let Papi ponder on that.
“That’s what they say?”
Would that make any difference for his personal finances? I doubted it.
For Raffaella-Bianca her trip could be reduced to one anecdote which was of immense importance to her.
“You know, Mommy, just before we left the driver asked everybody if there were any minors traveling alone. I raised my hand and he was in awe. He couldn’t believe it that I was not eighteen yet!”
Wow! The meaning of impressing a driver completely eludes me.
“Eighteen, Mommy, eighteen! Just imagine!”
Appearance is all in this world, I know. That was the gist for her. Nothing against appearances. I am a self-declared fan of social desirability, after all. But does that have to be connected to risks and dangers? That part I just can’t agree with.
…
(End of Free Reading Sample)
Cristi-Ana Montesanto 